For years, people have been looking for alternatives to describing themselves as “single, ” and now Emma Watson has a new one: “self-partnered.”
In an interview with British Vogue, the “Beauty and the Beast” actor, who’s 29, describes her stress around turning 30 while still figuring out things such as navigating her love life, starting a family and building a home. She’s very happy being single, she said, adding, “I call it being self-partnered.”
Such alternatives don’t always ring true. At a 2014 panel discussion I attended, one dating coach suggested using the word “available” instead of single. As in: “You’re available to find love, ” he said.
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In 2015, we coined a new word over here at The Post: solo-ish. We viewed it as a way of saying: My life is my own, but I share it with others, too — family, friends, co-workers. Sometimes there’s a special someone, but not always.
Whether “self-partnered” speaks to you or not, it harks to the larger trend of sologamy, or marrying oneself. Japanese travel agencies offer “solo wedding” packages: wedding dress, bouquet, limo, hotel stay and photo album included. An Italian woman hosted a “fairy-tale” wedding, sans prince, for herself and 70 guests. A New York woman “married” her community, a way of using the wedding ritual to commemorate the strong bonds she has created with friends. And, of course, there was that “Sex and the City” episode where Carrie Bradshaw declared she was marrying herself and was registered at Manolo Blahnik.
Bella DePaulo, a sociologist, author of many books on single life and a Washington Post contributor, thinks “self-partnering” doesn’t quite fit, because it’s still about partnering. “When I want to specify people who embrace single life as their best life, I use the phrase ‘single at heart, ’ ” DePaulo said in an email.
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It’s easy to mock solo weddings or Watson, for calling herself “self-partnered, ” but both hit on the importance of each person’s relationship with themselves. It’s something you cultivate and work on, and it can change over time. Just like a relationship with someone else, this bond can be healthy, toxic, boring, fulfilling, loving or deficient.
The theme of healthy self-love is having a moment in pop music, too. In this year’s hit song “Soulmate, ” Lizzo looks at herself in the mirror and recognizes she’s “The One”: “I know how to love me / I know that I’m always gonna hold me down / Yeah, I’m my own soul mate.” Similarly, in her 2018 upbeat breakup anthem “Thank u, next, ” Ariana Grande sings about how she’s moved on from her relationship with ex-fiance Pete Davidson to a more fulfilling relationship — with herself: “I know they say I move on too fast / But this one gon’ last / 'Cause her name is Ari / And I’m so good with that.”
The Twitter reaction to “self-partnered” has been mixed, with some mocking the term and others saying they were going to use it the next time a nosy relative inquires about their dating life. Whatever word you prefer, the search to find an alternative to “single” will continue.Approaching a milestone birthday inevitably forces us to evaluate what we've achieved and where we feel we've fallen short — both personally and professionally. In a recent interview with British Vogue, actress Emma Watson said one thing she's made peace with as she nears her 30th birthday is her current relationship status. It took me a long time, but I'm very happy [being single]. I call it being self-partnered, she said.
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What does that mean, exactly? Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist based in California sees merit the idea. Manly describes the relationship status this way: self-partnering focuses on the ideal of being happy and complete as a solo individual. A self-partnered person would feel whole and fulfilled within the self and does not feel compelled to seek fulfillment through having another person as a partner. That doesn't necessarily mean a self-partnered person doesn't date or never hopes to get married someday. It's that they're taking the time to know themselves first. To be truly self-partnered, one must often invest a great deal of time and energy on personal development, says Manly.
Watson isn't the first celebrity to shift what's normally viewed as a negative relationship status into a positive. In 2014, Gwyneth Paltrow used the term conscious uncoupling to describe her divorce from Coldplay singer Chris Martin. Why has reclaiming these terms become a trend now? There’s a big shift in renaming the terms of relationships because there’s also a huge shift towards individuality in younger generations who are no longer wanting to be defined by the standards of traditional generations, explains Travis McNulty, a therapist practicing in Florida.
When Emma Watson and Gwenyth Paltrow come out and use phrases like 'self-partnered' and 'conscious uncoupling', it challenges the psychological implications and narratives behind the phrases being 'single' and 'getting a divorce'.
Emma Watson Rejects The Word Single: 'i Call It Being Self Partnered'
People form opinions based off of labels traditionally used to define a person’s relationship status, but when Emma Watson and Gwyneth Paltrow come out and use phrases like 'self-partnered' and 'conscious uncoupling', it challenges the psychological implications and narratives behind the phrases being 'single' and 'getting a divorce', McNulty continues. These terms remove the stigma associated with someone who may identify as either of these and ultimately lets people know, 'I’m OK.'
Greater focus on personal goals, more emotional energy for friends and family and being free of the social burden of needing to find a partner are just a few benefits Manly says come with being self-partnered. However, you'll only reap these if you do the work to get there. And that goes for folks in relationships, too. The work involved in being self-partnered is helpful for every individual — whether they are in a relationship or not, says Manly. And as long as your partner is supportive in your pursuit, Manly says some of the best self-work can be done within a conscious, loving relationship.
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Author Valerie Hudson about why women are still not taken as seriously as men and what steps men particularly need to take to help elevate women and create a truly equal world and workplace.
Toward the end of their discussion, they touched on marriage and romantic relationships. Watson spoke at length about her own view on them: What inspired her to come up with the term self partnered instead of single to describe her status and why kink culture and same-sex couples inspire her when she considers truly equal romantic relationship models.
I often think that one of the most revolutionary things that women could do is to begin to develop words for these feelings that they’ve always had, Hudson started. That's why Watson reflected on her own experience doing that and going viral for it.
Single Emma Watson Says She's 'self Partnered' And Doesn't Need A Man To Make Her Happy
I did an interview with Vogue magazine a couple of months ago, and I talked about how, in the run up to my 30s, [I felt] this incredible, sudden anxiety and pressure that I had to be married or have a baby or moving into a house, and there was no word for this kind of subliminal messaging and anxiety and pressure that I felt building up, but I couldn’t really name, and so I used the word ‘self-partnered, ’ Watson started. For me it wasn’t so much about coining a word; it was more that I needed to create a definition for something that I didn’t feel there was language for. And it was really interesting because it really riled some people up! It was less for me about the word but more about what it meant—just this idea that we need to reclaim language and space in order to express ourselves because sometimes it’s really not there.
It’s fascinating to me that the origin story of marriage centers around ownership and power—safeguarding bloodlines, establishing property and land rights, creating tactical alliances to increase circles of influence and establish new trading links, et cetera, she finished.
Hudson said, In a weird way, marriage was born out of slavery. The idea that you needed to control the reproductive capabilities of these women, just as you would control cattle and you would control land, and you would keep those things in your male-bonded kin group. We still have laws in most countries, many countries, that say upon divorce the children go with the husband’s family. ...And I think one of the actual really important things that modernity did was to suggest that this contractual nature of marriage was not the only kind of marriage to have, and that there was in fact a different template based on equal partnership, equal respect, equal consideration that could be a far more healthy,
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